So…..I started this blog over seven years ago because I was in a place of internal panic. I began experiencing bouts of anxiety and depression almost daily and at the young age of 36, I felt like I had wasted my life and squandered any opportunities that had come my way, which would allow me to live the life that I always wanted for myself and believe that I deserve.
Long story short, I remember eating my feelings, one day at lunch, by smothering my thoughts and anxiety in a soul food buffet of chicken, gravy, yams, potatoes, greens (YOU NAME IT!…) and thinking, this isn’t what my spirit needs, I need to feed my heart. I had developed a habit of “pigging out” when I felt down or overwhelmed and although my body looked healthy on the outside, my internal health was declining. I realized that over the years I taught myself to cope with my stress and my insecurities by literally feeding my depression and compartmentalizing my feelings. The next day I created this blog.
I’ve always loved a good quote and source of inspiration and I’ve always been good at inspiring others. I thought this would be a great way for me to build myself up with as much energy as I put into those around me. It was therapeutic for a while. My friends and family loved my perspective and looked forward to “the next [post]” every morning. I even got some followers (lol). It felt good to be able to share my thoughts and be seen on a deeper level–to be seen from the soul.
While I was not only benefitting from, but enjoying the slow and steady catharsis of my new daily ritual, there’s one major problem with this effort, and many things that I do or try to do–my follow-through SUCKS. For years I rested in the zodiac excuses that we’ve all been trained throughout our lives to repeat. For me, it was “well, I’m a Gemini…we usually start things and don’t finish…we have twin energy so we are always doing twice as much as others so it’s natural to get overwhelmed and quit” or how I tricked myself into being proud of the fact that I procrastinate on EVERYTHING by proclaiming, at the drop of a dime, that “I’m a master procrastinator!” Well, just like that, it was easier to slack off and convince myself to give up and quit rather than stay the course and focus on sharing the positive each day.
Fast-forward to 2021 and here I am, yet again. Somewhat in the midst of an early mid-life crisis but trying to hold on to those youthful parts of my spirit that motivate me to keep trying and that make me believe that I can achieve anything that I desire. My anxiety has been fueled by my insecurities over and over again but I am proud that I am finally at a place in my life where I can freely speak about them and my anxiety. So through the patience of my life coach, once again, I’ve been coaxed to this place, just outside of my comfort zone that involves putting myself out there and the journey that was supposed to commence a week ago (DOH!) starts today.
I’m starting nice and easy (nod to Ms. Tina Turner). I’m going through my past inspiration and advice from years past and I will apply that theme/principal to my life actions that day and blog about it. Maybe it will be helpful to someone like me; at least to give them comfort in knowing they are not alone. I’m sure I’m not the only low-key f***** up individual who wears a mask for the world, right?
Well, here’s to baby steps that will move me closer to my best self.
Until tomorrow…
P.S. – apologies to my coach for allowing the completion of work that got in the way of me meeting this extended deadline to distract me from publishing this sooner.
Soul Food 